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Wednesday, 09 July 2008

  • Dear Empty Page



          I think I am going to lose the most important guy in my life... to the enemy of uncertainty.

        Again, my vibes have granted me slight foresight into the future... despite my efforts of avoiding this tragedy whether I wrote an apology note for my previous unacceptable behavior, or tried to give him the space he needed. Lyle has told me that he cares about me a lot... cares about me... love... he didn't say love...

        He said he has to think, really hard. I want to be optimistic... I want to think "Things will be great, he'll realize it's another mistake" but I can't... I am pessimistic, it's my nature... it's my habit to expect the worst, there fore there are no surprises... even if it's not a surprise the final answer can be just as devastating a blow as foreshadowing is.

        Lyle and I have nearly had 22 amazing months together, and while he may think of it as 22 months that were great while they lasted, I will only, once again, be able to only think of them as something that shouldn't have ended. I sobbed when Lyle broke the news of what was on his mind, I broke down into tears... I died on the inside. Now that that wave of tears is gone, I feel nothing... Just a deep swelling vacuum inside of me. A black hole. To be honest, Lyle's love was all that kept me going. Not suicide wise, just, life wise. He was my reason for pushing, fighting to succeed, to better myself, to believe I was beautiful, and to keep up a good attitude. Needless to say it was all hard... But I never truly gave up because Lyle was there, always. Always keeping a mindful eye on me, always making sure I was OK. He's grown distant, and while I now know it's because of his uncertainty...

    I still can't accept it...

        Everyone, again, will say "you will get over him" or "you will move on in a long time", maybe so, maybe I will find a guy who cares, loves, holds, doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or anything. Who shares my interests, who is what I would have seen as "Mr. Perfect" but I don't want that. Deep down, my love for Lyle will still be there, haunting, gnawing, killing. It will become nothing more than an evil spawn living inside of me, watching me die, enjoying my pain, bathing in my tears. I hardly have any friends to keep my mind off this, and if I lose him, it will be worse. I have been praying for God to let me keep him, I'm not a perfect Christian. I sin, swear, curse, use God's name in vain, but every now and then I apologize, and make up. I don't go to church, or tell my sins to a priest. I do not believe you have to go to church to be forgiven, or for God to work a miracle. I sadly only plead to him when I need something, but every now and then I pray to just thank him..

         I want Lyle to love me... It's not change I'm scared of, it's just being without him.


Monday, 30 June 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Life on Display
    By Puddle of Mudd
    Change My Mind
    see related

    Broken little bones..

        Well... I've got news, sad but interesting.

        Within a month we will have another roommate (some of you may remember Tony who use to stay here but couldn't or should I say wouldn't pay rent he owed us.) My parents are very kind hearted, he was kicked out of his house so they gave him a place to stay. Now that he's gone and my parents have gotten over it, we're ready to accept a new person into our home. I don't know h er name, I know that she is eighteen, she plays Guild Wars with my parents, she has a car, and a job where she lives. She's also got a drinking problem, that my parents are going to fix. She only drinks when things go bad for her, like when a person goes to drink after they've been dumped or whatever they do.

        The reason she will be staying with us, and I'm not meaning to put her business "on blast" as some people would say o.O is  because her parents beat her. We aren't sure what's going on because she's still there and only because they messed up her jaw, so her parents are going to take her to get it fixed, and she's worried that if she leaves, they won't pay for it.

        I feel really bad for this girl. I mean it's cool she'll be living here, and maybe I'd make a new friend... but how do you talk to someone who has suffered so much and are pretty much "hiding out" at your house.. how do you do that without saying the wrong things.

        Well, other than that news, everything else is fine. Our Venturing Crew didn't go sailing this weekend because crew 1000 was apparently in the Caribbeans  -_-" that really ticked me off. Why plan something on a date that you're gone? Oh well. I ended up helping Lyle move Sunday, and Friday we saw Wall.E with his family, and the whole D & D gang. We're gonna try to plan a game soon, yay?

        Question, I need to know where I can get measured. I don't mean the typical height, arm length, stuff. I'm getting a dress for a friends wedding and I need to get measured soon so I can get it ordered and try it, and have time to send it back if it doesn't fit right. So if you know anyone/where i can get it done FOR FREE please let me know.

        I'm still jobless but I will be applying at Petco, the new Party City that is opening up, and Half Price books. I'm also going to talk to my mommy about letting me buy a ferret. He'd go everywhere with me. ^_^

    Kind of excited about it but really nervous (the job thing)

        Well I'll be heading out. Till next time.





Tuesday, 24 June 2008

  • Currently Listening
    The Sound Of Madness
    By Shinedown
    Devour
    see related

    I have a...wish


        So, as usual I laid in bed for about an hour or two unable to sleep, my mind running rampant with crazy illusions. I've always wanted to be a photographer, but I've also wanted to be a model. I'm not the "ideal" model some would complain, I've got a flabby tummy, my breasts are too large, my face is too imperfect, my eye brows are too thin, my hair isn't right... And the list could probably go on for ages!



        Well so what!!
        I've never really been a dreamer.. I was a wisher when I was younger, I wished I could do all the things that fluttered about my mind, and I still haven't. My younger self would truly be disappointed in my for not making better attempts at becoming what I wanted. Last night I dreamed about a company, a model and photographer company where everyone has a share in all of it. People who aren't typically accepted as a model because of their "imperfections" or those who choose to join the company. Not only do they model, they are photographers for the other models. It's like networking, if that's the right choice of word... It winds everyone close together, the way a company should be.  No obligations, no being pushed to do things we don't choose to... no pressure of repairing our flaws by uncalled for means. Honestly, even if the company doesn't take off, there's still a close group of friends just having fun and taking pictures together....



    Oh, how I would love to see that actually happen!!
        But most of my friends are D&D nerds or I'd feel stupid talking to them about. In the past a lot of people haven't taken me seriously or have only seen me as a child... I once had best friends I could have talked to about this, but they have forgotten about me, or involved themselves in things I don't wish to be around, or have just turned into complete jerks, period. I've got two people in mind who I believe would be amazing models, one of them isn't confident in her looks but I met her in person and her pictures just don't do justice. She's very pretty, and I try to let her know that every time she puts herself down. Or when she praises my photos. My friend Sarah ^_^  she's a sweet heart, a Ville Valo addict, and an all around awesome person.


        The other is Amber, from my school. She's really cool, since my Junior year I really wanted to talk to her because she just seemed so interesting but most people know how my paranoia kicks in when I get the courage to talk to someone. After my junior year, I didn't have a class with her but I saw her all the time, and my last day of school, when I was helping yearbook set up the signing party in the gym, the news paper staff helped too (she was in it) and when my work was done, I sat down and began to draw or touch up my drawings. She came over (adjusting the tables) and saw them, sat down and started talking to me. I was really happy that day. She's a sweet heart, and an amazing writer. She's very unique in her style of dress. Like me when I was 13...


    *sigh*
        Maybe this is a distant, unreachable dream. I'm hoping that when I take college I meet more people, and maybe I could share this idea with them. I just don't want to be looked at like I'm stupid...

    I'll write some later. I'm going off to pick up my room and try to take new pictures of my outfit.

Monday, 23 June 2008

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Onichii_love

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  • Keku is not my real name, but a nick name. Just call me that. I'm interested in Asian culture, and Asian people look at me funny when I walk into their stores, but that's OK. I'm just a colorful girl stuck in a boring judgmental world.

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